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:) [Jul. 11th, 2009|01:42 pm]
GLBT Alcoholics/Drug Addicts
gay_alcoholics
[beccaline]
This past week has been disastrous. Im tired of every day being a battle. I want to wake up and not have to fight (this thing, myself, my burning desire).
This thing that keeps me from everything i love & all the good things i want for myself. Time and time again i let myself think it will be okei "this time" i'll use in moderation. It never happens. It's never once happened that i use in moderation. It never will happen. Because i don't know how to use in moderation. Im not programmed like my friends or other people who can party and go home and forget about it. Once i give in that thing has a hold on me and doesn't let go. So i have to go about today with that in mind. And no matter how much that thing beckons i have to say no. not right now. not today. I get so anxious when i think about never e v e r using again. But when i think about not using today, just today- im okei. I can do today. I can not use today. I can not give in to that thing today. I can be safe today, happy even. If i feel like it i can even let myself think about other things and maybe even start something i've been putting off. Finish reading that book, make that phone call, write that email...whatever. 
If anyone feels what i feel and wants to talk over instant messenger on aim my screen name is: MYHEARTSINTHIS don't hesitate to drop me a msg.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: fireboy4plai
2009-07-19 06:10 am (UTC)
Sort of a summary of the reasoning behind Bill W.'s "controlled drinking" experiment. I don't know how long you've been clean, but I do know it takes a damn long time to feel comfortable in your own skin again. The brain is a living and healing organ, it adapts to the presence of a drug over time, it adapts to the drug's absence over time. It's the bit in the middle that's annoying. But all I had to do to remind me why I don't want to go back is to count how many mornings I had to call friends to find out what I'd done the previous night. Hell, just the money I've saved makes staying dry a financially good idea if nothing else.
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